Resolution to be Content: The Balancing Point

“Contentment is the equilibrium between the enjoyment of life now and the anticipation of what is to come.”

~Page 28

Yesterday a chapter ended in my family and a new one began…. FOR REAL!!!!

I received the most precious gift from God….. and answer to prayer that I have been on my face begging the Lord for for almost 2 years now.

My son “D” and I have been struggling so much. He has been hurting so much and I get the brunt of all of it. I have been treated so badly and I know it is not intentional, but it still hurts so much. He feels abandoned by his bio mom….. his dad is never here….. and I am always here, but I’m not the one he longs for. I know he loves me, but I am “safe” so I get the fall-out from everyone else who has hurt him. I know I have hurt him too at times when I have gotten too frustrated or overwhelmed… it has just not been good at all and I have been so worried about him. 😦 I have noticed him completely shut down and I have been so scared for him.

Wednesday night I let go. I finally gave my D to God. FINALLY….. I was broken. I thought I had given him to God before, but I had not. Craig and I had a big talk about the situation last night after I knew in my heart I had given it to God, but Craig didn’t believe me. Craig was sure I was still trying to control the situation…… but I knew in my heart and soul that I had released it.

Then, this morning, I had a conversation with my D and I was crushed at how broken his spirit is. It broke my heart. Craig had already made a plan with him for them to go out for a little while and I was so glad. I cried with Craig and I prayed. I begged God to show up during their time together. I begged the Lord to open both their eyes to how much they need each other right now. I prayed for both of them to have the courage to be strong and let God lead their hearts.

When they came home, my son came straight to me, hugged me (for real) and told me he loved me and that he was sorry. I was shocked…. but I shouldn’t have been. I finally let go and God showed up. He is so faithful.

Craig and I were able to connect a little later and he shared with me about his time with our D. Craig was very concerned and humbled. He was able to see how much D needs him right now and for the first time I felt that Craig understood how hard my position is in our family. How hard it has been for me for the past ten years to be everything to these kids. I get a lot of amazing times with them that I wouldn’t trade for the world, BUT I also get all the backlash, anger, resentment, abandonment, frustration, sadness and anguish they all feel towards their bio mom and dad because I am their constant, their safety. I am always here. I am their 24/7 therapist. I have not abandoned them. I hear it all everyday….. x5.

Craig finally understood how hard it is to be me…. and I could feeeeeel it. I could not stop crying. He said he was sorry and just kept asking me what I need from him. Funny thing is, I don’t need anything else. THAT was all I ever needed and I got it.

I am content 🙂

My prayers were heard and I know now in my heart that my D will heal. He has his dad PRESENT and ready to walk beside him. He will be able to heal so he can finally let God into all the deep dark places he has been scared to let Him into. I never doubted that God would answer my prayers for D…. I doubted myself that I could actually give it all to Him.

I gave it away and my Heavenly Father was right there, at the ready……. waiting for my mark to take back His son who was never mine to try to fix. D belongs to God…. I just get to borrow him…. of course God can do better for him than I ever could!

God is so faithful!!!!

So, I am content with my present and I am so excited with anticipation for the future! Through this contentment, my mind is clear. I am happy to be here….. and when God determines that the time is right, I will certainly be happy to be there. I am surprisingly satisfied to “…give myself permission to enjoy fully the things I have, the person I am, and the life I’m currently living while continuing to harbor the dreams that keep me growing and stretching into the future.”

THIS is my balancing point.

My husband and my D are two of the most courageous men I have ever seen. The place they went today together inside their hearts and souls had to be so hard for them, but they did it! Craig had to be so humbled to be able to receive the things that D shared and D’s heart had to be yearning so much for both his earthy and heavenly fathers to be able to speak so boldly about his hurts, fears, and struggles. This only happens when God and love are at the core of the matter and through BOLD PRAYER WITH COMPLETE ABANDON!!!!!

God wants that for each of us. We MUST get out of the way so that He can give it to us! We deserve it, dear ones! Whatever you are holding onto, afraid to let go of….. GIVE IT BACK TO GOD!!!!! It was never yours to try to own. Give it to Him, step back, breathe and pray. Open up those dark places in your heart to let your Savior in……… and let Him make himself at home ❤

Craig’s post for today is here: http://adversusmundi.wordpress.com/2012/07/05/resolution-for-men-the-priceless-purpose-of-fatherhood/

I AM SO READY to make this resolution out loud and I ask each of you to please hold me accountable to it…..

SURPRISINGLY SATISFIED

I do solemnly resolve to embrace my current season of life and will maximize my time in it.

I will resist the urge to hurry through or circumvent any portion of my journey but will live with a spirit of contentment.

Signed      Megan “crackle” Smidt

Dustin love from December 20, 2011 🙂